Perhaps I am just in a funk and being a very internal person tonite.

Ricky Nelson sang a song "Almost Saturday Night" (J. Fogerty) and one of the lines in is says "Out side my window, I can hear the radio and I know that motor wagon is getting ready to fly"....and that line describes how I feel on holidays. I have always...for as long as I can remember, felt that the world outside my window was passing me by. One year my mom and my husband sent me to LA to hear Rick at the Palamino in New Years Day, my birthday and that made up for many many lonely holidays. But, alas, here is another holiday and I am sitting in the room I grew up in, doing pretty much exactly what I did then....nothing....and I SO want to have a vivacious and vital life..with friends and family.....I am so looking for a balance.

Perhaps the best way that I can show my appreciation for those that give their lives for our freedom, is to take full advantage of mine. Use this freedom to fullfill a destiny, whatever that might be. But in order to do that, I must find some way to free myself from the negative thoughts that creep into my mind about the person I am. I never feel like I am enough or do enough and that leads to insecurities. I am afraid these insecurities are an obstacle to friendships I want to have. Important friendships. I know we all have insecurities about something so it is common among our culture, but I need to learn to move through them, while still staying in the now....in the moment. Because I have had some pretty wonderful moments, but sometimes disappointment can overshadow them. Disaappointment plus insecurities make Debbie a dull girl...lol....

So on this 4th of July, I proclaim that I will search and integrate ideas, thoughts, actions and emotions that free me from the boundaries I have put on myself and the labels I have put on myself. I will find a way to disintegrate the turmoil in the pit of my stomach that comes from me doubting myself......and I will search for and find an active freedom and balance in my life.

Thanks to all past, present and future who have made my freedom possible. Happy 4th of July!