bonds

A few days ago I was talking to a friend about a friendship I was struggling with. She pointed out that commitment was not something in the other person's vocabulary. I shuddered…I certainly did not want a commitment. But what exactly did I want? I struggled to define what I was talking about. I toyed with several terms but none could capture the feeling I wanted to convey. Then somewhere during the day the word “bond” came to mind. I did not want a commitment. I wanted a bond….a connection…

According to various dictionary sites online :
Commitment means to show loyalty, duty or pledge to something or someone.
A bond is a connection between two people because of love or friendship

To me a commitment is a conscious decision to choose one thing over another. A bond is something that happens because of common interests, common emotions, common values OR a deep appreciation of independent interests, emotions and/or values.

I believe a bond can happen subconsciously on a noncommittal level. The connection between two people can be strong and healthy without a pledge to loyalty or duty. I guess subconsciously I see a commitment as a loss and a gain, while a bond is all gain. A bond is flexible and has no limits or constraints. It is just a warm, fuzzy, comfortable feeling that extends to just about any situation and it makes both parties feel appreciated, valued and cared about. It is something that both share and is integrated into their individual, independent being….and you do not have to be present to win…lol…

Direction

Just so I don't find myself without direction during retirement I thought I would put in writing those things that I have found myself wanting to do...

Things that make me feel good...
Live music
Plants
making art
writing -blog
people-family, friends, kids
getting free stuff from Craig's list to paint
endorphins-gym, swim, TRIKKE,dance, walk

Things to do:
Finish Hardscrabble tables
make " chair
make birthday chair
gourds
paint flower pots
get clay and glaze and create
search out examples of cool things to make with clay
concrete
Paint my rock stars
experiment with action/abstract full length of rock stars
paint furniture
make boxes
make little cards with kids
alter clothes
read books
learn fiberglass
make living art with plants etc
take art classes
take acting classes
take dance classes
learn more about music industry
learn to cook ...hm..maybe..lol...

You know how different parts of your journey can bring out different dimensions in a person? You are still the same person, just more of different aspects. The happy me. The sad me. The determined me. The I-don't-care me. etc.....it gets complicated. Can you imagine having one friend who can stand all the different aspects ? Geesh....

My friend and I are not alike ...well sometimes we are more alike than others but mostly we are the yin and yang symbol. It seems we fit beside each other in a way that totally respects the self contained individual, but balances it to form the circle. Kaye, I don't know how you put up with me sometime, but the universe has sent me an angel (with devil horns)...lol...to be my friend....thanks for being there along the journey!

My son asked me to paint his dad a chair for Father's Day. I did not get it finished on time. I still have a couple of things to do, but here is a rough draft of it and two TV trays to go with it. He calls his homestead "Hardscrabble". Here is a little something to acknowledge that.

Funny how that event of a "day" can color your perspective. My last post about going home has been given a couple of shades darker in the shadows. It is still better than it has been in times past, just still not a "goodness of fit". Yesterday as I ended a weekend of yin and yang...one day extremely disconcerting...one day a brand new experience, I was driving home and I could not escape the gut feeling that occurs almost everytime I drive closer to Austin. It is a feeling of life, of living, of feeling alive. Something about that place makes you feel apart of something bigger even when you are not doing ANYTHING! BUt it does renew my hope for tickling the inventive side of me. And today I am reminded of the wonderful friends I have here in Bastrop. You know who you are. You have known me outside the box. Thank you for seeing me for who I am...knowing who I am...and liking me anyway...when I see myself reflected through you, I have a feeling of worth, adventure, warmth and excitement for the future. I was headed for a very gloomy few days and now I am happy to say they have been averted...well...mostly..it may take some time to rearrange my thoughts....but I definitely see more sunshine in my picture. Ty!

A year or so ago, Sugarland and Bon Jovi had a song called "Who says you can't go home". Everytime I hear that song I wanted to say "I do". I don't think you can go home. Growing up for me was not idealic. In addition to having responsibilites at home and a responsibility to do well in school, I never quite found my place in my hometown. I had good friends that I valued and still care very much about, but I sorta always felt out of place....never quite good enough. Not sure if it was all in my head or if somehow I was getting subtle feedback about having a brother with disabilities...or if I was just anti-social...lol..so, I never looked forward to coming back home to stay. I left home to find my fame and fortune so to speak. Once outside of my box, I excelled at school, graduating with honors from UT, a school I never dreamed I could compete in, much less graduate from. I got good jobs and got my Master's degree. I tried to come home. Even worked in a field that I had excelled in, but it still did not feel right. I HAD to leave again.

But last year a couple of things happened out of the blue that made it feel ok to come home. Not sure if I felt like I HAD a place this time, or if I didn't care..lol....but I felt ok with who I was...and met some people that I felt very good around, and they seemed to accept me with who and how I was. And I am very grateful for this connection. It appears to be nurturing the artist side of me and I am SO ready. When a student is ready a teacher will appear.
Happy Summer Solstice everyone !

Matt's patio cover

Spent a good portion of yesterday assisting my son with a patio cover. I was amazed at the plan he had in his head about how he wanted to do it, how well he did it and his determination to get it done......AND he was a joy to spend time with on top of it all. This will be a good memory. Way to go kiddo!

This is a picture of my dad and my son in 1985. My dad passed away in 1988 from lung cancer. I have always had so much respect for my dad. In my years in Special Ed, I have seen many marriages break up when a child is born with, or develops a disability. My dad just got another job and supported my mom in her efforts to seek out any and all possible cures or remediation for my brother's disabilities. My dad had a heart of gold and even though his plate was full with work and home, he always had time to help a friend or a relative. He taught me to always do whatever I could to take care of myself and to do what I could to help other people. I wish my son had been able to spend more time with him. I think they both would have loved the experience.

I had a lot of internal struggle when it came time to retire. I knew I needed to retire. I was out of energy and out of patience. My mom had been ill off and on for a couple of years. I always felt torn between family and work. My work was not just a job or a career. It was my way of paying honor to my brother and my mother and my father. My brother was a special needs student and when he was alive I tried to learn all I could to help him When he passed away, I felt that it is my responsibility and my passion to continue to work with students who needed what I had learned. So leaving my career was a conflict because I had not accomplished all I had hoped to accomplish. I had hoped to somehow influence the SYSTEM so that success of special students would not depend entirely on the dedication and devotion of the individual. So, KNOWING I needed to retire and being at peace with it are two different things. But I have to say that, having done it, it is the right thing to have done.

Some of these prior posts were examples of various types of arts and crafts I have been involved with....such as adirondack chairs, papier mache and oil paintings. I hope to post examples of various works of various media that I have done over the years, as well as anything I do in the future. These reflection posts also reflect my interest of music. Both art and music have the ability to alter my mood and my consciousness and I enjoy being in the middle of both.

Painting I gave to Rick in Branson Mo Dec. 1982

When John Lennon was killed I decided I wanted to show and tell the people who made the music of my life how much I appreciated them. Rick Nelson was the first. He was a great guy. he turned me on to a wide variety of music....and I made lots of friends because of him. He got me out of my comfort zone and out into the world. I owe him alot.

RIP 1999-2009
MY dear sweet Yoda. Making him got me through my first separation. He was orginally created for Emile Elementary 's basket fundraiser when my son was in school there...but I could not let him go. He moved with me to my first apartment. The first time I had ever lived alone. I think I was 43 or 44 years old. Shhh...don't tell anyone but sometimes I talked to him..lol....This picture was inspired because I could not bring myself to have a Christmas tree as I had in a previous place in my life....I had to do something different, so for several years he was my Yoda Elf Tree...lol....I hoped that the calm and the wisdom and the fire that all took place within him, would somehow rub off on me. And we made it...Yoda and I....after moving to my new house, he suffered some....er......stripping of the papier mache holding him together and I had to send him back into the universe. He was a great image until I took him to school and some rather mean girls stuck pencils though his head and popped his eye out just to see what I would do. I took him home and fixed him, but he was never the same.... may the force be with him....

This blog is also a sincere attempt to stop inundating my friends with lengthy emails. Instead of sharing with a specific friend or two, I hope to share both visual images and words about my journey through this phase of my life here on my blogspot.

I welcome feedback and would love for this to be an interactive tool, however, if it only becomes a chronicle of my second half century, that is ok too. Please feel free to stop by anytime and please take everything I say here wth a grain of salt....I am blonde and proud of it....lol...which sometimes causes me to configure my words and thoughts in a somewhat unique way....they are never meant to cause discomfort or uneasiness to anyone.....I am hoping to make peace with a side of me that I have measured very carefully for fear of being misunderstood.....and it may be a little out there sometimes....please know I am grounded....I am just exercising another side of myself in an effort to reach for my dreams.....

Hi! My name is Debbie Sager.

This blog site was created to launch my endless summer...my teacher retirement. It is a reflection of my journey, not to reinvent myself, but to coax and nourish another side of me and to investigate the adventures yet to come.

This is what was:
50 something years in a nutshell:
Grew up in Brenham, Tx.....was sister to a very special young man...and daughter to two very special parents...Graduated high school...went to Blinn...got married to a great guy...moved to Austin...worked for state..did some modeling and acting....went to UT...graduated UT..followed Rick Nelson around on weekends..lol...went to work for AISD...worked on a teacher training grant that enabled me to travel around the US.....left there to work on Masters...moved to College Station...had son (great kid-check out his video! ironknightproductionson YouTube)...got Masters in EdAd (with PR specialization)...moved to Brenham...worked at KWHI/KTEX as on air announcer and had opportunity to interview lots of entertainers( see some pics)...taught at BHS for 3 years...got at job at SWTSU (another teacher training grant)...moved to Bastrop...grant money ran out..went to work at Bastrop ISD...been there ever since...got a divorce after 30 years...(he is still one of my best friends)...booked bands for a little while (10 Mile Crossing...great guys...great harmony)...painted pictures of Vince Neil and Bret Michaels and got them to autograph them...hope to create a show of the Bad Boys of Rock....among a whole host of other things....to be discussed later.....in my endless summer adventure.....

When a student is ready, a teacher will appear......